


jumble, baby, jumble

by drmsqnc



Category: Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Comedy, F/M, Fluff, Humour, Seriously guys, Soulmate AU - first words spoken on body, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, ahaha, it was very late when i wrote this, this is just a crack fic fair warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-07
Updated: 2018-03-07
Packaged: 2019-03-28 03:03:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,284
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13894866
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/drmsqnc/pseuds/drmsqnc
Summary: Your soulmate was an idiot.





	jumble, baby, jumble

You hated this city.

Quite so, you thought as you ducked for cover underneath the table, just in time for the door to explode open.

“Always something,” you muttered angrily, ignoring the screams of distress as you rubbed the irritated skin around a wound on your calf. “Always something happening in this place.”

From that whole spectacle with the Avengers down the road quite a bit ago, to that psychopath lizard on the news, to aliens destroying New York City a few blocks down. At the moment Midtown High was now being held hostage by some furious mutant - furious of what you didn’t know, you had tuned out his villainous monologue - who was going around exploding doors and shoving people against the walls, demanding to know where Spiderman was or he’d blow up the entire building.

You had no idea what he was going on about - you could barely even hear your own thoughts over the pathetic crying of that cheerleader in the corner - and just hoped that the whole fiasco would be over before something major happened. Why would Spiderboy or Spiderman or whatever be here anyway? 

You suppose you didn’t have to think much longer when the spider himself, tight spandex and all, swung in through the window, kicking the villain into the hallway. 

Another scream from the cheerleader.

“God help me,” You groaned, checking your foot to see if you sprained it as your classmates panicked, some calling 911, others having a breakdown. You swore you saw one kid piss himself. Literally.

The mutant - glowing eyes, ugly teeth - burst through the wall back into the classroom, crashing into desks, concrete flying everywhere. Spiderman followed closely after, dodging attacks, dancing around the small space with fluid motions like he was made to. 

While that was happening, your classmates had bravely started running away through the now obvious hole in the wall (you forgot to mention, the exploded door had caved in earlier), all herding out like a pack of wild animals. You were about to follow their example and abscond the hell out of this situation, when a shout echoed behind you. 

You shouldn’t have looked.

You really shouldn’t have. You should have legged it out. 

But you did, and when you turned, you saw the mutant on-top of the friendly neighbourhood vigilante, mouth opened, teeth growing into long, sharp points to promptly bite his head off.

Three things happened at once.

First, your oh so heroic self screamed loudly, stepped back, and tripped on a piece of stray shrapnel.

Secondly, the noise distracted the mutant, giving the other mutant - the spider one you were rooting for to be exact - an opportunity to get loose and switch the position.

Thirdly, Man Spider (what was his name again-?) webbed his opponent’s hands to the floor, and turned his head in your direction, voice a weird mixture of tones into an accent you didn’t recognize, but for some reason felt familiar with. 

“Cow! Throw the cow! Beside you!”

You had a moment of alarmed confusion, before it clicked and the adrenaline rushed in. You reached for the laptop with the cow-printed cover on the floor next to you, vaguely distracted by the sudden burning on your wrist where your mark was - looks like your soulmate was an egotistical crime fighting spider, great - and threw it with as much force as you could muster.

Spiderman slew a web, swinging the object out of the air and catching it, just in time for Mr. Sharp Teeth to break out of his bonds. He pounced and Spiderman turned swiftly, lifting the laptop up and using the momentum to smack it right into his head with a horrifying thump.

Everything was still for a moment, and then the mutant crumpled to the floor. 

Spiderman relaxed but if anything you only freaked out. Just how strong  _was_  he?!

“Thank god,” Spiderman breathed, his voice still itching at a memory in the back of your mind. You took a noticeable step away from him and he didn’t have to read your expression to know that you weren’t amused. “Oh! Hi, yes, are you okay - you’re bleeding, that’s, uh, that’s bad.”

When you didn’t respond he followed your incredulous gaze to the criminal at his feet. You could hear the police sirens in the distance.

“Oh him? Don’t worry, he’s just unconscious-” He waved the laptop - the  _dented laptop, jesus christ- “_ \- He’ll be fine. Probably. I think.”

When you still only stared blankly, he flexed his fingers, shifting nervously like he hadn’t just knocked a man unconscious. “Right, so the police should be here soon so you’ll be returned to your family-” The laptop broke in his hands. “-Shoot uh, woops-”

Your first thought was that your soulmate was an idiot. 

Your second thought was that you might as well get this over with.

“Look you’re nice and all,” You interrupted. “But you’re not Peter Parker, and he kind of already owns my heart at the moment.” 

There was silence.

The sirens grew louder, signalling that the fuzz would be upon the scene soon.

Then laughter rang throughout the room.

It was hysterical, wrung with disbelief as the masked hero doubled over on himself, holding his stomach.

You raised an eyebrow. “I don’t know what’s going on here, but normally someone wouldn’t laugh after getting rejected by their soulmate. Do you need help or…?”

Spiderman giggled some more then took in a deep, muffled breath. You blinked and he was ripping the mask off, tufts of brown hair sticking to his forehe-

_You have got to be kidding me._

Peter was still laughing, to the point where tears were wetting his cheeks. 

“Do you know what you did to me?” He asked, dropping the fake accent he had been using, and you suddenly knew exactly why it had been bothering you, why it sounded familiar. It was the same voice of the guy that you’d been crushing on for three years. The voice of the guy who had no idea of your existence. The voice of the guy you had just unknowingly confessed to, discovered was a superhero, and also your soulmate, all in the same day. 

What a time to be alive.

His hand threaded into his hair, clutching at the strands tightly. “Do you know what it was like seeing those words every day and being damn confused out of my mind?!”

Bright hazel eyes met yours, a cut on his lip. “’Not Peter Parker?’ You had me questioning my entire existence for years!”

Your mouth opened then shut. Multiple emotions flooded through you like a storm, but only one really stuck.

“ _You?”_ You repeated, your wrist itching, burning. You stomped up to him, ignoring the body on the floor and stabbing your finger into his chest. “What about  _me?_ A cow? Throw you a  _cow_? Was that the best you could come up with?! I’ve been up sleepless nights wondering what kind of situation would allow me to be in that position!”

“Hey, if you didn’t notice, I was kinda  _occupied_!” He retorted, stepping even closer and throwing his hands up in the air. 

“I’ve had that ridiculousness on my skin in all caps!”

“You made me think there was another me!”

“Even my  _mom_ made fun of it!” 

He snorted, still a little delirious, but allowed you to grab onto his collar and drag him down to your lips angrily.

He broke away first, hands holding your face, relief and amusement and exhaustion swimming in his eyes. “Hello?”

“(Name),” You muttered, frustration still speckled in your tone, fingers digging into his suit-clad chest as you yanked him back to your mouth again. “And you better remember it.”


End file.
